5 Years After Obergefell v. Hodges, Local Man Still Lives in Fear of Getting Forcibly Gay Married

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In 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that marriage is a right for all couples, regardless of gender. This decision met a variety of reactions. Some claimed it would lead to the imminent downfall of western civilization, while others were happy that same sex couples could get married. Regardless, people generally said what was in their hearts and moved on from the subject. Marriages were finally made official, and the doomsday prophets quietly moved on to other scapegoats.

One man, however, is still afraid of the consequences of the ruling. Christian North, 62, informs his neighbors and friends daily that the day is coming when all the upstanding heterosexuals in America will be dragged off and forced at gunpoint to say their wedding vows with another man or woman. Here is a transcript of our interview with him.

Fish Rap Live: Hello. Could–

Christian North: Same sex marriage is the law of the land now. That means REAL marriage is illegal and you have to get gay married, or else. Obama has really ruined this country. It’s outrageous that we still allow him to be president.

FRL: Oh. Ok. That actually answers my first question. Uh, what makes you think that’s going to happen?

CN: It’s already happened to some people. In fact, it happened to my neighbors Joe and Amos across the street. They’ve been living together for twenty years now, and just because of that, Obama forced them to get married. I found out when Amos told me about it. He acted like he was happy about it, but he was probably afraid of Obama overhearing him. I know I would be.

FRL: Do you think it’s possible that they’re just gay?

CN: of course not. They were already living together when gays were invented in 2003. It’s a known fact that you can’t be gay unless the government allows it. Ha! Imagine being gay without the approval of the legal system! 

FRL: I mean–

CN: Wait, the news is about to come on. Feel free to stay and watch.

We decided we had what we needed, and let ourselves out while Mr. North took out a well-worn VHS tape with the word “Hannity” written on it in faded Sharpie. Later that day, Mr. North reportedly booted up his computer, commented, “ugh, they changed the date again,” and manually reverted it to June 26, 2015.