New Research Shows Plastic Bag to Be Most Effective Face Mask Material, Blocking 100 Percent of Air Particles

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Following months of gruelling research at the national institute for advanced mouth studies, top mouth scientists have found that a simple plastic grocery bag may be the best material to create vital mouth and nose coverings with. In their initial findings, the researchers found that zero percent of those who covered their entire head with a plastic bag contracted any diseases at all, including even diseases which are not spread through the head holes but the other human holes.

In this time of national crisis, this discovery of a novel, outstanding protective material should come as a great bane, but troublingly, within the past two years supplies of the beautiful, environment destroying plastic grocery bags has dried up, leaving major hospitals to compete for the remaining plastic bags to create masks with. 

“At this time, we recommend regular citizens to make due by creating masks out of the plastics they have at home already, such as stiffer polyethylenes or older polychlorides,” said US Surgeon Minor Marshus Tropolo. “While these materials don’t have any of the protective qualities of grocery bags, and are in no way helpful against real diseases like some sort of shirt mask, we recommend that people pull the plastics tightly over their face anyways, to make their face all squishy and probably make someone laugh.”

To make your own plastic mask at home, simply cut out a large square out of a 2 liter bottle of Shasta Jazz™, put it on your mouth and tape or glue it in place before exiting your home to brawl with elderly women over flour at the grocery store.