“You Don’t Really ‘Get’ Coronavirus Until the Third or Fourth Respiratory Episode,” Says Annoying Friend


Recently your annoying friend Keith, upon a chance encounter at the park that you were powerless to avoid like Ash crossing the path of that fucking Bug Catcher Boy in Pokemon, asked you how you were keeping up with the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Oh, so far, it kind of sucks. I’m not a big fan of all of the death and misery and economic ruin the pandemic has plunged our society in, and it’s even worse for other people that don’t have nonessential jobs, and most of all I hate how my favorite quick-witted, genius and searingly funny humor publication Fish Rap Live! can only talk about COVID stuff because nothing else is happening on earth”, you say from behind a facemask, reminding yourself that the apocalypse involves a lot more fiddling with elastic headbands than you’d expect.

Keith, as with many other millions of assholes, responds with the stock answer, “Oh, you don’t really get Coronavirus until the third or fourth respiratory episode. Yeah, It starts slow and you’re thinking at first, maybe I like this, maybe I don’t, but things really kick into gear later on when they’ve introduced all those new characters like Dr. Anthony Fauci, the only man in the Trump administration that doesn’t act like three children in a trench coat pretending they understand government bureaucracy.” Keith continued with his annoying rant, continuing. “Hey, I’ve been following this for the last few flu seasons and I don’t think they really hit their stride until this one. Ebola was a step in the right direction, but that guy spontaneously getting in the United States after no contact seemed a little contrived, like when in Melrose Place they had that one character commit arson for no reason.”

As you attempt to walk away from this horrible conversation Keith slips in one last statement. “Hey, man keep with it until Jim marries Pam next season!”
Hey, Keith, spoiler alert, man!