Study: Half of UCSC Students Just Hikers Who Got Lost

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The National Association of Professors Partaking in Information Gathering (NAPPING) has released shocking results about the students of UC Santa Cruz: half of them don’t even know they’re students.

“According to our results, 52% of UCSC students are just backpackers who stumbled upon the university and set up camp,’’ said Jane Dough, head researcher at NAPPING. “They saw the winding roads through the redwoods and the wood bridges and just assumed it was a particularly posh campground.”

When asked how these lost travelers could see all the buildings, buses, busy students and still think they were in a campground, Mrs. Dough said, “well, you have to keep in mind, most of these people haven’t seen any human civilization in quite a long time. Many don’t even remember what a campground is supposed to look like.” Upon further investigation, we discovered that these nomadic hikers are of great interest to the portion of the university’s anthropology department that isn’t comprised of nomadic hikers.

We were able to arrange an interview with one of these hiker-students. Thaddeus (last name unknown) is, by his own estimation, “a lot” years old and has been at UCSC “since the winter of [unintelligible]”. When asked how he was enjoying student life, he said “ya know, I suppose we are all students at the school of life, aren’t we?” It was discovered that, in addition to taking classes (“we just enroll him in the first three classes he wanders into each quarter,’’ according to a staff member) he has been teaching several classes in the Environmental Studies department (“yeah, we just write course descriptions around whatever he starts rambling to students about,” according to the same staff member). He demonstrated his botanical knowledge by brewing a tea of local plants that he used to bring a raccoon back from the dead.

When we asked Cynthia Larive about the situation, she responded, “Here at UCSC, we’re proud of our diverse student body, and we welcome everyone. We’re also currently investing in research to determine how many of these folks qualify for out-of-state tuition.”