McConnell Announces He Has the Votes to Become Washington High’s Next Junior Class President


“In order to end this obvious popularity contest as quickly as possible, today I’m calling on Principal O’Peeper to move the student body elections to tomorrow so I can win now,” said an obviously wig-clad Senator Mitch McConnell while tying a pastel sweater around his shoulders as he spoke into a microphone in the Washington High gym. “In fact, we can vote, but we don’t even really, like, need to, because I’ve talked to Patty and she says that I’ve basically got the Junior Class President in the bag, so I think it’s pretty clear right now who’s gonna win.”

McConnell’s cunning rise to power in a local D.C. highschool comes shortly after his announcement that he has enough votes in the senate to do whatever the fuck he wants, and that he would be changing senate rules to require all speakers to drink milk while speaking. While his electoral victories in junior class politics may seem insignificant compared to the much greater evils he can accomplish as a mindless puppet, many analysts believe that it is all part of McConnell’s larger plan to secure the highly sought after Muammar Gaddafi Winner of Democracy Prize. 

“Politically themed children’s organizations just don’t have the draw they did eighty years ago,” said self-proclaimed expert of persuasion and 43 year old virgin Tucker Juckwad. “Sure, you can tell parents how to indoctrinate their fucking anklebiters with completely warped views, but it simply doesn’t create the level of fanaticism that we need in today’s polarized political culture.”

Many are quick to point to the movie Tall Girl when considering McConnell’s elevated chances at becoming the next Junior class president. The similarities between the life of McConnell, 77, and Tall Girl, 2019, are stunning, and most events in Tall Girl come directly from McConnell’s life, including the scene where Jodi (McConnell) proclaims that she (he) is the tallest girl (man-child) in the school (senate) and therefore the most powerful because being the tallest (most spineless) means that she (he) can have any boy (number of votes) as her (his) boyfriend (boyfriend).