Freshman Comedian Bombs At Open Mic Night

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According to sources, Nick, a freshman at UCSC who considers himself “a pretty funny guy,” bombed at Open Mic Night the other week. Said his friend, Sasha, who is now feeling guilty over never telling Nick not to do Open Mic Night, “Yeah he totally bombed. The audience literally groaned. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have greenlit the idea.” 

Said Nick, who doesn’t have a last name but merely exists as “that one Nick, no not that one, the other one” in everyone’s minds, “I really thought I was funny, like, chicks laugh at my stuff all the time. I thought the joke about the turkey was sure to hit, but I was even more surprised when nobody laughed when I said, ‘So yeah, what’s the deal with the oven roasted allergen free chicken thigh? I’m thinking about doing a Supersize me thing but where I only eat oven roasted allergen free chicken thigh for a month.” Then I followed that up with a joke about drinking so much yerba mate my skin turned caffeinated, and that you could lick my skin and get a rush, like a toad or a banana slug. Finally, I tried my Hydroflask joke, saying that every college has a Hydroflask cult and you’re kicked out if your ice doesn’t clink. They just weren’t having it.” 

Said Esmeralda, a frequenter of Open Mic Night, “It was the worst I’d ever seen. At one point he started trying to make jokes about Blumenthal, like ‘Blumie’ this and ‘Blumie’ that, like, ‘What if Blumie is still here, but wearing the Sammy the Slug costume?’ and shit like that. Like, Blumenthal isn’t even the chancellor anymore, just stop.” By the end of the night, it was reported that Nick resorted to reciting memes from @ucsc_football until he fled the stage in tears.