Yesterday former Atilla vocalist Billy Joel, perhaps better known by his superhero alter ego Piano Man, after he was bitten by the radioactive piano from Super Mario 64 released a follow up to his widely hated baby boomer anthem “We Didn’t Start the Fire” which conveniently allowed baby boomers to dodge responsibility for any historical events occurring between 1949 and 1989.
In “We Did Start the Fire” Joel details the entirety of human history from Homo Erectus conquering the element of fire, through the 20th century where Joel describes his own song “We Didn’t Start the Fire” as “perhaps the greatest work of historical record”. Departing from the original theme of the song, that baby boomers were passive observers of history and definitely didn’t have anything to do with the economy, the spread of AIDS or the crack epidemic, this song essentially takes credit for all historical events both obscure and notable including: the Birth of Jesus, the construction of the Great Wall, some medieval guy sneezing near a rat and dying, and Billy Joel’s own birth.
The song, which clocks in at five hundred hours too long, beating out its predecessor which was only five minutes too long, was recorded all in one recording session without any breaks, which is why towards the end, the cogent list of historical events is replaced with Billy Joel’s panicked gasping and an unintelligible slur of historical events.
BREAKING: As Australia continues to burn, Billy Joel finally admits that he actually DID in fact start the fire. In a press meeting about his latest song, he let out in a whisper: “Ya know, I did light it. And I absolutely didn’t try to fight it.”