Student Tied To Tree Concedes Protest After Being Taunted with Refreshing Yerba Maté


Development on the Porter Meadow housing project came to a screeching halt this week after a group of 8 student activists tied themselves to trees, demanding the project be called off. Construction cannot continue until the students come down or the city gives the OK to kill them.

In a last-resort move, UCSC commissioned self-proclaimed “experimental negotiation specialist and castle enthusiast” Darrel L. Castle to talk some sense into the young activists. “Negotiation is all about understanding your target,” explained Castle. “If I know one thing, besides hundreds and hundreds of fascinating castle facts of course, it’s that these adolescent tree huggers can’t resist the succulent juices of the Yerba root. So what I do is I sneak up to the trees and I say ‘Boy, am I thirsty! If only I had a crisp, refreshing, thirst-quenching Yerba Maté right about now. Oh, wait, what’s in this cooler? Lord Almighty! Two irresistible ice-cold Bluephorias?  Jeez, I guess I’ll have to drink both of them myself. If ONLY there was someone out there who wanted to drink the second one!’ Then I cracked the lid into a mic and said, ’wow, listen to that sizzle.’ After that, they couldn’t resist, they all came down. Ok, I told you about the negotiation stuff, can I do my castle facts now?” Castle refused to let us use his quote unless we included at least five castle facts. (see below for castle facts)

“When I heard that they were yeeting the meadow, I was like ‘that’s wack!’”, said Freshman Cody Reeves. Cody even posted on Facebook about the construction, urging other students to join the movement. “We went out there and said ‘no way we’re coming down bro!’ Then this strange man with a thin whispy ponytail started flexing his Yerbas and that got me hella thirsty. I probably coulda resisted the urge, but then he wouldn’t stop talking about castles so I just gave up.” This protest marks the shortest student protest in UCSC’s history, lasting for a mere 6 minutes.

Darrel L. Castle’s “Five Must-Know Castle Facts for the average                                   American”, from his award-winning book: “Me Castle You Castle”:

1. Most castles were built out of recycled smaller castles

2. Inflatable castles are not real castles—DO NOT BE FOOLED!

3. You can open the door to any castle if you know the secret handshake

4. It is considered very good luck to kiss a castle

5. If you tell a lie within a castle, you can be legally murdered