Dorms are all fun or whatever, but MAN, finding the right time to poop while living in them is grueling. You gotta coordinate everyone’s schedule to make sure that co-ed bathroom is completely empty so you can deal with your IBS in peace. I thought maybe I should only poop at certain times, but coordinating your own poop schedule is almost impossible. I mean it could be coming at anytime when you’re in any place. Oh god, and those mornings after chugging 40 oz of water, and the runs really hit? You better hope it’s before 6:30am because if it’s not your chances are slim until about noon for ten minutes, or 3:30pm for 20 minutes. You can always wait until 3am to shit, but to be completely honest, some people’s bowels just blow up before then. It was really terrible one particularly early morning I woke up to find that the chow mein I had the night before was ready to exit the building that is my ass. I’ll tell ya, I ran to that bathroom at 5 in the morning like I was running to the last free corndogs at the county fair only to find that my RA was already rotting away on one of the toilets. So I did what most people do in this predicament: I ran to the smaller restroom on the other side of the hall squeezing my ass cheeks as hard as possible so as to not let anything slip. The stalls there are so much smaller there, but I let my demons out for a swim. I wiped my ass with an ass wipe and left that place like a king. I will say that that could have gone very wrong very quickly, but I don’t have the will or the confidence to shit in front of any more people than myself. Pooping is so hard when it’s amplified in a cold, cement-walled, public, co-ed bathroom. I heard about this tactic where you muffle the louder farts with wadded toilet paper, but it doesn’t fucking work. So I guess I’ll be up until 3am today.