The holiday season is well underway, and with the festive cheer comes the inevitable power struggle between holiday superpowers like Christmas and Black Friday, and lesser-known Amish and Scientologist traditions such as gingerbread barn building and ugly lizard skin parties.
Somewhere in the middle is Hanukkah: often mistaken as the most important and least capitalist Jewish holiday, it has gained a surge of new faithfuls this year, due to its utilization of light sources that don’t operate on a functioning or even wind resistant power grid. This has prompted out-of-favor electric company PG&E to appeal to the trendy masses looking to kill two turtle doves with one menorah and add a little ambiance and tradition to their heatless, lightless, joyless excuses for homes.
In a statement put out by the PG&E Chief of Holiday Marketing, Hannah Greene-Rosenberg, California residents were encouraged to participate in the millenia-old tradition. “Since the days of BCE (Before Cool Electricity) humans have made do without such arbitrary modern conventions as power grids or proper facility maintenance, to joyous effects! We here at PG&E fully support the beautiful Jewish holiday of Hanukkah and everything it stands for, which is why we are proud to announce our support by cutting off main power to all of our customers for the 8-day duration of the holiday.”
When militant suburban mothers formed a pro-LED-reindeer-skeleton coalition in protest, the fortune 5000 company swiftly responded: “Not to worry,” said Chief of Riot Control, Julia Neal-Wallach; “We are willing to compensate our loyal customers with traditional and rare Jewish Hanukkah coins that are valued at over 3.47 a bag!”
The PG&E Head of Excuses, Ronald, was later heard speaking to the press about the upcoming outages: “We know how no power can inconvenience the masses: spoiled eggnog, stubbed toes, life support failure, but we here at PG&E just wanna say that Hanukkah has these cool little spinning tops, which is like basically gambling, so you’re welcome.”