Myths About Fighting Kindergarteners That Will Save Your Life


Winter is upon us like thousands of screaming post-toddlers armed to the teeth with snot and rage. Some will die to the shrieks of their loved ones, others to nothing but the echoes of their thoughts. This informational pamphlet will help you survive the coming onslaught. 

MYTH: The best strategy is swinging one kindergartener around like a wrecking ball

While this strategy has merit in theory, it does not translate into practice. Kindergarteners are heavy and swinging one will make you tired. Also, the Kindergartener can sense weakness with their third eyes, which you want to avoid. The angular momentum from swinging the chosen child will build angular momentum, making them too powerful when you have to release them. 

MYTH: Fighting children is morally wrong 

Children do not pay any taxes and are half-wolverine. If God intended for children and humanity to live in peace, he would not have done this.

MYTH: Halberds are the best weapon.

While the distance facilitated the halberd is advantageous, most kindergarteners will catch the blade with their bare hands and turn it against you. 

MYTH: Kindergarteners are too small to cause real damage

Kindergarteners are closer to the ground and Satan. They draw energy from the pits of hell, turning their tiny fists into a flurry of death and terror.