At this year’s annual Quadrilateral Awards, the Trapezoid, or Trapezium (UK, totally ridiculous) took home “Worst Quadrilateral” for its tenth year running. The Quadrilateral Awards, hosted by a committee of the world’s most prestigious Squares (Bill Gates, White Picket Fence, Stevenson Upper Quad, and Olivia Wilde), have been running in a pissing contest of sorts ever since the Egyptians started building the pyramids.
The Square’s Committee, known for basing its award criteria on the level of conforming (Rectangles nearly always win), had this to say of the Trapezoids: “Look, we all know that all quadrilaterals are Squares, so why do the Trapezoids have to try and stray so far from the mainstream? They give us all a bad look with their wonky angles and punk lifestyle.”
During the event, the Trapezoids were spotted in the corner of the venue smoking cigarettes and talking loudly over the Committee’s deliberations. Their union leader, the ghost of Joey Ramone, said this about their ongoing feud with the Square’s Committee: “Look, we’re just (con)vexed about this angle the Squares are taking. There’s no right way to be. I don’t think it’s obtuse to say that we are what we are, and the squares just have to accept that.”
In spite of the Committee’s sentiments towards the Trapezoids, they’ve become more accepting of the more moderate Isosceles Trapezoids in recent years. Said White Picket Fence, the shining example of what a Rectangle can be if it tries hard enough to conform to the conventions of a Square, “Next year, we’re probably going to divide the Trapezoids into two categories: The Isosceles and Non-Isosceles. It’s just not fair to the Isosceles Trapezoids to lump them in with those other delinquents.”
Nevertheless, the Trapezoids have garnered a faithful following of adolescent shapes of all types and sizes. Said Ramone, “Bless these kids and their passion. They inspire us every day. It’s my hope that one day these kids will have a seat at the table, a trapezoid shaped table, and be able to affect change from within.”