It was a thick October night, when a shrill shriek pierced the Santa Cruz riverfront. Everyone was too busy stabbing each other to realize that a murder was afoot. As one young freshman, blind to the “very real” dangers of a Santa Cruz Halloween stumbled towards the San Lorenzo river, they proclaimed: “Whoa, either this acid is dumb strong, or that girl is missing her face, fingerprints, teeth, hair, and earlobes!”
Police rushed to the scene, excited about the prospect of a netflix original series contract, while the wails of countless stabbing victims punctured the night. Chief of police, Anthony Garcia, confirmed the corpse with unwashed, donut-crumb-covered hands: “Yeah, she ain’t breathing too much, at least I think it’s a she.” The only evidence left behind was a turquoise Hydroflask™ plastered with stickers, ice cubes still fully intact and clanging loudly, which was immediately taken to the evidence locker at police HQ.
“Well boys, mystery solved,” said chief data analyzer, Rick Dundrel; “Based on the stickers on this hydroflask, we can say with relative certainty this now lifeless corpse was once a tasteless UCSC student!” Police identified upwards of 83 individual stickers, cross-referencing their iconography with the SCPD’s prestigious Google Drive database. Of the stickers, at least 5 related to “being a STEM major,” while 16 separate stickers referenced various Ruth Bader-Ginsburg quotes and imagery. What was more, the high-tech, durable vessel had depicted on it various “Mystery Spot” and “National Parks” stickers, leading police to believe the suspect was a highly well-traveled and cultured individual and definitely not an Amazon Prime subscriber.
“This narrows down the possible suspects to at least 10,000 UCSC undergraduate students,” Said Dundrel, “Now if we would just stop getting prank calls about people being horribly stabbed in their faces and bodies, we could get out there and find the sick son of a bitch that did this.”