Opossum. It’s What’s for Dinner

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Last week, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the so called “Streetside Snack” bill, making it legal to collect and eat the carcasses of roadkill in certain parts of the state. The bill is designed to make use of the thousands of pounds of roadkill meat that go uneaten, ending what Newsom calls “decades of mismanagement of one of California’s greatest resources.”

But before you tear into that succulent possum you’ve been eyeing on Hagar Drive for the past week, you’ll have to download an app to document each kill. The app helps the Department of Fish and Game track the incidents that occur throughout the state and, said Newsom, “Assigns a point value to your kill and puts you on a statewide leaderboard.” Newsom went on to explain that drivers can get additional points for road killing multiple days in a row, striking a variety of animals (including children and cyclists), and for something called the “flat factor.” At the end of each month, three citizens will receive a tax deduction and a psychiatric evaluation for their efforts in slaughtering wildlife.

State senator Tay Stysquirrel elaborated on the points system. “It was unanimous that a deer is five points, that just made sense to everyone” Stysquirrel began, “and after some debate we decided that uncommon and agile creatures — you know, kangaroos, bald eagles, Olympic athletes — are worth more.”

The bill was received with statewide support. I was able to speak with a few enthusiastic constituents. “I’ll never have to visit the grocery store again,”said one food truck owner, “my vehicle can do the shopping for me.” The bill even united hippies and the local redneck encampment, albeit for different reasons. “Their entertainment is our next meal,” said one tie-dye clad man of his new friend. George Foreman himself was present at the bill’s signing, purporting his grill as the ideal device for the cooking of freshly flattened flanks. 

When asked about possible bacterial contamination and other safety concerns regarding these curbside calories, Newsom tiredly replied “I just turned ‘Hit and Run’ into ‘Hit and Yum,’ what more do you people want from me?”