Bill Banning For-Profit Private Prisons Will Include UC System


Following the news of “that crazy rich, fur obsessed, skunk-haired she-demon from 101 Dalmatians” Janet Napolitano stepping down from her gargoyle’s perch atop the position of UC President, governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Bill AB32, banning for-profit private prisons in the state of California. Some have speculated that Cruella de Napolitano’s move to step down came directly as a result of Newsom’s plans to ban for-profit prisons. Already faced with the unruly reality of losing money as a result of the UC divesting from fossil fuels, Napolitano and her chancellor minions stopped dicking down the UC system the minute they realized it could no longer function as their own personal cash cow. 

In a press conference, Governor Newsom addressed questions surrounding the uncertain fate of the UCs. Said Newsom, “It has come to our attention that the UC system has displayed a gross mistreatment of the state’s prisoners, ah, I mean laborers. Fuck. I mean Dalmatians. No! Look, after extensive research into what constitutes a ‘for-profit private prison,’ we have decided the UCs cannot continue to function as they have, or they will be shut down.” 

We obtained information that the “extensive research” conducted actually consisted of Newsom going undercover dressed as each school’s mascot. We’re told that his experience at the UC Irvine dining hall, where the school is still subcontracting its dining services from Aramark (a food service, facilities, and uniform services provider perhaps best known for the prison riots its food quality incited in 2009 and again in 2014), was the deciding factor when it came to lumping the UC’s into the bill. Said Newsom, garbed in an anteater costume he hasn’t stopped wearing since, “Without a doubt, the most disgusting thing that’s ever touched my mouth, and I’ve attended a lot of deep state Eyes Wide Shut parties.” 

Despite numerous reports of food served by Aramark containing maggots, dog food, worms, and trash, as well as the UC’s 25 million dollar divestment from companies profiting off of private prisons, UC Irvine still maintains its contract. In fact, in 2018, the UC office of the president spent 64 million dollars on a contract with Aramark making them their systemwide laundry service vendor. It is speculated that another ideal was in the works for Aramark to provide workshops where students learned how to make stylish orange rompers, tables, chairs, and lingerie later to be sold to Victoria’s Secret. 

It’s unclear what the future holds for the UC system. As for Napolitano, it’s believed that once she steps down, she will pursue her life-long dream of heading a Neapolitan dessert’s giant coined “Neapolitaneo’s.”