Letter From the Editors 32.4


Dear Readers,

Long time no see! We’ve had a rough winter. 

It looks like some of our other letters have gotten lost in the mail after I told the mailman that it was wrong for him to open my birthday card from my grandma and take out the five dollar bill.

A different old man is president now.

The days are so short, and we haven’t been able to go outside in 9 months.

Read here our deepest sins. This is our confession.


I think I’ve unlearned how to have a normal conversation with people and now am only capable of inserting Mystery Theater 3000 style commentary into what other people are saying. I will tell people I know things that I don’t know. I am banned from buying alcohol at Costco because I didn’t know it was illegal to purchase alcohol for minors, and just thought it was a cool loophole.


I heard my voice on a Zoom recording once and now I can’t believe people actually talk to me. My favorite activity is wanting professors to like me but then not speaking in class, and I used the word ‘bondage’ instead of ‘bond’ in an essay once and it haunts me to this day. I saw Minions in theaters. 


My friend told me Cory of “Cory in the House” was bald because of a serious form of cancer and I didn’t correct her. I stepped on a lightbulb in my room and was only saved because other debris happened to shield my bare foot from the broken glass. I got one of my legs stuck in a sinkhole up to my knee while walking my dog and had to be rescued by my brother.


When I see people from high school that I used to know I will hide like some sort of shitty awkward Kristen Wiig. 

I know more about the political workings of Jim Henson’s The Dark Crystal than the political workings of the US Government.

I ripped a sliding wood door off of its track and then made my coworkers fix it as I blamed it on the door being faulty. 

I was completely sober when I broke my wrist roller skating. I’m just really bad at roller skating. 

I cannot recognize faces and will stare intently at strangers to see if I recognize them. 


I buy a new Mio Squirt every time I go to the store because I can no longer bear the taste of plain water

I once used the phrase “Garfield bedroom eyes” as if this was a common and well-established concept 

Last week I got stuck on the beach at high tide and had to get rescued by a lifeguard, and I made the lifeguard carry my phone so it wouldn’t get wet

I got fired from a bakery after working there for one day, and the owner told me that I was “not ready to work in food service.”


-I once wore a full suit and tie and did a choreographed dance number to Stayin’ Alive at my fifth grade talent show and I have pangs of embarrassment of that to this day. Video of this is online also.

-I’m a generally bitter and depressed person, I guess. That’s not really a specific thing, just a general problem.

-Every day I slowly resemble Woody Allen more and more, this is a big issue

-I listen to “Superman” by Goldfinger about three times a week in an unashamed display of nostalgia and wallowing in the past


I spend more time with mushrooms than I do with humans. I’m a kleptomaniac but only for bones. 80% of my caloric intake is hummus. And I shaved my own head on a Monday at 11:42pm. You can fill in the rest.


I spend more time on mushrooms than I do on humans. 

I’m technically dairy free. I would answer this way if someone asked. I’m dairy free. Ethnically, biologically and emotionally. I do incorporate cheese into my daily diet. Hard sharp cheeses and ice cream products do not contain dairy. The line is a brie or a camembert. 

I was only allowed 2 hours of television a week as a child. When I was at the end of my fight against lice, I would fake being in immense scratchy head pain because my mom would let me watch my programs (Suite Life of Zack and Cody) whilst she nitpicked. To my mother, I’m sorry. 

I will put the entire Cabaret soundtrack on if I have the aux and am feeling licentious.