Political Theorists Identify Main Cause of Failure of Sanders Campaign, Not Taking Advice from Twitter User @69_marxisbae_69

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Top political theorists from across the political aisle have declared the failure of
Bernie Sanders’ 2020 campaign for the presidency to be because his campaign didn’t
take verbatim the advice of Twitter user @69_marxisbae_69, identified as twenty-two
year old college student Vlerm Clermel, a fifth year philosophy major at Portland State
University, who despite not being legally capable of handling a rented 2007 Toyota
Yaris, is an expert on Marxist thought and theories of capital.
Clermel, the Twitter user identified by leading figures like Noam Chomsky, Dr.
Cornel West and Barack Obama achieved political and spiritual enlightenment upon
listening to his ten-thousandth hour of Chapo Trap House and watching all of Vice
News’ Getting High in Front of Poor People: An Investigation Series.
Critics point out that the Sanders campaign’s embrace of pragmatic ideas based
in social democratic thought like universal healthcare and a social safety net broke too
far from @69_marxisbae_69’s more broadly appealing and tried-and-true suggestions
of legalizing and nationalizing the manufacture of Ketamine, mandating weekly trips to
see Animal Collective live and an official state policy of analyzing the first ten seasons
of Dragonball Z through a “socialist lens”.