Pepsi, the company which didn’t bring you Coke but didn’t bring you New Coke either, has teamed up with the UCSC wildcat strikers in a bold new advertising deal. Pepsi, famous for a 2017 ad featuring Kendall Jenner, a thirsty-ass police officer, and the milquetoast-est protest ever, has been rearing for a second chance at the concept of crossing first amendments and second-rate soda. So when the perfect demographic of young, hot, woke people started fighting the system at UCSC, Pepsi saw their chance to establish a reputation of wokeness, and more importantly, to change the Google results when you typed in ‘cola’ ‘protest’ and ‘bad administration choices’.
“The system, right? Yeah that’s gross. We’re not that. No sir,” said Pep-resentative Jendall Kenner between monstrous Pepsi burps, “Nah that ain’t us, we’re just vibing you know.” Pepsi’s deal includes sponsoring the strikers on the condition that Pepsi cans are visible at all times at the picket. “It’s really good that we have powerful allies like this standing up for our rights,” says grad student Nebuchadnezzar ‘Chad’ Stilton, “almost as good as the cool refreshing taste of Pepsi, now in ‘Free Speech Peach’ and ‘Club Soda’ flavors.” Pepsi has also provided a list of new chants for the grad students to perform as part of the deal. Some of the chants include:
UCSC pay us more. Pepsi’s coming to your store!
UC admin made us broke. Pepsi tastes the same as Coke!
Fight the system. Start a riot. Make sure you drink Pepsi diet!
“We think that these chants will really get the message of solidarity and civil disobedience across in a big way,” says Pepsi President Frito Ruffalo. “We’re ready to get back into the police protest sector of the advertising market”.
The Pepsi agreement is not the only deal the strikers have struck. Fishrap recently reached a deal with the strikers to ‘please keep doing it for like another week because we really really want to write articles about it and if you stop we’re gonna look like a real buncha dimwits aren’t we?’
Janet Napolitano released a statement on Pepsi’s actions by telling Lori Kletzer to tell Cynthia Larive to tell us that “I, Janet Napolitano, only drink warm, flat, microwaved Dr. Pepper. If I can’t taste the stale ghosts of carbonation in my syrup water then I don’t want it.” Protests are expected in record numbers following this controversial statement.
According to official university paperwork the official soda of the U.C. is Shasta Zazz!™.