Santa Cruz Stolen!

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After wondering all day if they had left the front doors unlocked, the residents of Santa Cruz returned from work Tuesday to discover that the entire city of Santa Cruz had been stolen. In an initial assessment of what was taken, it seemed that almost everything of worth was taken, with missing items including: small jewelry, the Del Mar, thirteen dark and unsafe alleys, the never-ending traffic on Mission Street, and both Taco Bells. Some items, appraised to be worthless by the unknown thief, were left untouched, such as the university and every single resident.

“My third biggest fear has been realized,” said Santa Cruz teacher and city council candidate with no qualifications Renee Golder. “With the theft of the entire city, thousands of people are left to sleep in the dirt ruts where the streets used to be. Santa Cruz United has deemed these people ‘houseless’ and will begin tirelessly working to help these people once we address my second biggest fear: people on the city council being mean to me personally after I harass them for several months.”

Currently, the SCPD has no leads as to who pulled off the plot to a future “Oceans 29.” At the time of the robbery, all active police officers were either on Westcliff woefully throwing their badge and gun into the ocean or crying in the police station after they were told they could no longer arrest people who were in possession of magic mushrooms.         In an effort to collect the evidence needed to eventually convict the wrong person, the chief of police sent out a blast email asking citizens to make wild accusations against everyone and everything.

“It doesn’t matter who stole Santa Cruz, whether it was the homeless people I’m afraid of, the ‘out of towners’ who make more money than me, or those gosh darn disrespectful students at the USCS university or whatever it is,” said octogenarian and feudal land owner Albert Beralt. “The only solution that will get back the Santa Cruz which I remember and that never existed is to completely overthrow the elected government by lying to voters, increasing rent on the students who fund my lavish lifestyle and then zoning the same students out of anta Cruz so they can’t pass laws to stop me from price gouging”

To many Santa Cruz resident, the theft of the city came as little surprise in the larger context of a “culture of chaos” which has descended on the city since the election of Councilmembers Glover and Krohn. Reports have shown that cats are befriending dogs, bushes are spontaneously igniting and speaking to old men, the devil has emerged from the depths of hell, financial managers are considering the best interest of their clients, and houseless people are being treated with the respect and dignity of actual human beings.