Drawing from recently unveiled ancient Italian artifacts, leading Pizzaologist and frequent racist John “Papa” Schnattner has revealed that within the next six months the pizza as we currently know it will come to an end. The revelation comes after Schattner paid more than $2 million for the so-called “pizzan calendar,” which he claims definitively calculates the date of the end of pizza as June 2, 2020.
“See these markings here? They accurately predict the date of the creation of both the Taco Pizza Pizza and the Bacon Cheddarburger Pizza, and that squiggle over there? I believe that to be a primitive form of the combined pepper-parmesan packet which our top pizza scientists were only able to recreate last year,” said a frantic Schattner between bites of Western Omelet and Dawg Pound Deluxe pizzas. “If only I had more time dammit! I only need to decode about 300 more pizza hieroglyphs to fully understand what calamity the ancient Italians foresaw, and then maybe I could stop it.”