It seems as though bigotry and ignorance run rampant in every crevice of our modern society – even the crevices between rocks that legless lizards call their home. I’ll say it only once: LEGLESS LIZARDS AREN’T SNAKES. They are lizards that didn’t make the first-round cuts at track and field tryouts so gave up and decided they’d rather squirm around in the dirt like worms. They may have given up on running, but so did like half of the student population after less than a month into their New Year’s fitness resolution.
Here’s how to be a mature, well-informed adult and tell apart the Suborder Serpentes from Suborder Sauria:
Snakes: got a long body and short tail; can’t wear eyeshadow cause they don’t have eyelids; only one real lung so they always try to steal your inhaler; no ear holes to block out the h8rs; not cool enough to know how to lose and regrow limbs.
Legless lizards: got a short body and long tail (you’d think the critics would relate since they have long legs and all); creepily human-like eyes and lids; two lungs so they can blaze it and live up to their nickname Joint lizard; ear holes but don’t put earrings in them; can drop their tails like the Snoop Dogg song.
If you want to see one for yourself, head to a shrubby-beach area. Our local pal is Anniella pulchra, but you can call it Legless, Legolas, Slow Worm, Joint, Glass, your New Best Friend, or something from your list of cute baby names you started writing on your phone in 2014 – just don’t call it a snake. They’re shy and ~mysterious~ though so good luck.
If you do find one, email a picture and description of the scene to firstname.lastname@example.org, or hit me up if you want more lizard faxtz.