Legless Lizards are Bullshit

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You have likely never heard of a legless lizard unless you are one of those people who really likes lizards, so you may be asking “What the hell is a legless lizard? Is it like a snake?” And the answer is yes. It is exactly like a snake. Which is precisely why their entire existence is bullshit. If I lured you into my minivan with the promise of free Yerbas and weed, then proceeded to hold you at gunpoint and ask you which animal was the legless lizard and which was the snake, you would fail and your lifeless body would thenceforth be dumped directly into the San Lorenzo river. The internet “claims” that legless lizards are lizards that have evolved to not use their legs anymore, but is that not still a snake? “Convergent evolution” they cry, but my skills tell me that convergence defines whether or not a function has a real limit. And that doesn’t apply to snakes and these imitation lizards at all. My theory is that these “legless lizards” were set up by the lizard people that run our society in an attempt to lessen people’s fear of snakes. But snakes are already cool, so stop lying. And no one can tell the difference, so it doesn’t even matter. But if you go out hiking one day and your pedantic asshole lizard friend is with you, and you stop and say “oh cool a snake” and they reply “that’s actually a legless lizard” just be ready to inform them and the bullshit snake in disguise in front of you that they are in fact both liars and both assholes. “Ack-tu-ally” my ass, snakes are scaly and have no legs, all things “legless lizards” have as well. It’s no coincidence and and there’s no convergence, it’s just a snake. 

And please, if you see a legless lizard, send me a picture and their location at leglesslizardsarebullsh1t@gmail.com so that I can find them and inform them of the failure of their disguise. But you probably won’t be able to tell that it’s a legless lizard because it just looks so much like a goddamned snake that it doesn’t even matter.

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Emily Perkins
Born in scenic, idyllic Chino next to the women's prison where some of the Manson girls are still kept, Emily was an okay student, excelling only in kissing up to language arts teachers' asses. Today, she can be found on Crown hill hiding from the gamers and talking about the 60s as if she really was a Manson girl.