Bernie Sanders Gets Record Time on American Ninja Warrior

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AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR -- Cincinnati -- Pictured: Tyler Yamauchi -- (Photo by: Dennis Mong/NBC)

On Monday, Bernie Sanders, age 78, competed on the reality TV obstacle course American Ninja Warrior, scoring a record time. The electoral candidate has started a country wide tour to compete in various extreme sports pushing his Medicare for All initiative, and performed extremely well. 

After placing silver in the North American Pole-Vaulting competition last month, Sanders found himself in hot water. Opponents of his have pointed to signs of drug usage.  Randall Dall, a fellow competitor on ANW and part time barista, recounted that “Bernie was completely enraged and obviously using. He slapped my sandwich out of my hands after I competed and then slammed a Redbull while maintaining eye contact. I get that he’s doing it for Medicare for all but it just feels a bit unfair.” 

“One percent of athetes win 99% of competitions,” said senator Sanders when asked if he was using steroids. “I think these guppies just can’t keep up.

A later report showed that the presidential candidate had large amounts of Vicodin, Human Growth Hormone, and trace amounts of GHB.  On Twitter, though, Randall and other detractors of Sanders’ Campaign have been called deplorable and backward thinking. There has been a mass outpouring of support for the candidate in his campaign to give Medicare to all. Bernie will continue his campaign in several of this summer’s Olympic sports.