PETE BUTTIGIEG DECLARES HIMSELF HOT

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Shortly after prematurely declaring victory in the Iowa Caucus, Mayor “Petering In The Polls” Buttigieg declared himself “Hot”. Tweeted Buttigieg, “I’m a #HotBoyButtigieg. After I made the completely unfounded claim of victory and all the liberal media outlets took it at face values, I realized I could say literally anything and get away with it. So, by all indications, I’m hot!” Some view Pete’s claim as publicity stunt for Valentines Day engineered in an effort to get #HotBoy on all of Pete’s brooding Instagram photos. These comments pair nicely with all the photos of Pete pretending to walk in tunnels, pretending to think in cars, and pretending to be a viable candidate while standing in front of six strategically placed Black voters.

The rest of the candidates, who remained quiet on the issue of Buttigieg prematurely declaring victory in Iowa, could not hold back this time. We’ve seen an immediate and timely reaction in Amy Klobuchar’s campaign strategy. In order to increase her personal hot points, Klobuchar is promising stopper-pop-out-cake deliveries to every donor’s doorstep. Bernie Sanders responded to Buttigieg’s claim by saying, “Look, he’s a young kid, and we can’t blame him for prematurely doing anything.” Elizabeth Warren rebutted, “His face is, structurally speaking, not hot. It needs a big structural change.” Said Andrew Yang, “Even with an extra $1000 dollars in his pocket, he will never reach hotness. I’ve done the math.” Joe Biden really just interjected when no one asked, “He’s hot, but have you seen my granddaughter?”