Campus to Build Moving Sidewalk in Quarry Plaza

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With a new way to ignore clubs and student groups trying to pass flyers out in Quarry plaza, campus forgets all about the dire need for a maximized and streamlined transportation system. “No one even uses the loop buses or metro system,” says Ima Walker, “but every student on this campus has to walk through Quarry Plaza and avoid eye contact with literally every single person, tent and boba drink around them.” Fourth year Sue Saree happily told us that now, “Without the overwhelming and compiling guilt that comes from saint, ‘No sorry, I already got one’, when in reality i’m super lying, I finally have time to volunteer, shop and feed myself!” We were hoping to get a lot more quotes from students, however, no one would look up at us, let alone stop by our colorful table in order to chat.

Even people who don’t mind confrontation still love the fact that they can zoom through the horrid column and get to the end with nothing in their hands. UCSC also plans on including bonus headphones for those Sidewalk Riderz™ that want an even more intimidating and unapproachable energy. It’s fine if the city bus is late, transportation isn’t really meant to have a defined and reliable schedule. Crippling social anxiety is the real issue on campus and there has finally been a response. No longer will students spend hours wondering if how they present themselves real validated that certain organization approaching them. No longer will students fumble with the free samples between their clammy soaked hands while awkwardly laughing away a rushed and scripted speech.

As for this Fishrap reporter, I look forward to the new renovations coming soon. A date has not been set yet, but we all know how quickly large neoliberal universities take action when it’s needed. In the meantime, I will continue to be offended whether or not sororities approach me. It hurts either way. It hurts.

**Fish Rap Live! sends our most sincere apologies if we have ever made you pray for a speedy construction of this moving sidewalk.