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KENDALL JENNER ARRIVES AT PROTEST TO GIVE GRADS COLA, ASKS THEM IF PEPSI IS OK

Pepsi, the company which didn’t bring you Coke but didn’t bring you New Coke either, has teamed up with the UCSC wildcat strikers in a bold new advertising deal. Pepsi, famous for a 2017 ad featuring Kendall Jenner, a thirsty-ass police officer, and the milquetoast-est protest ever, has been rearing for a second chance at the concept of crossing first amendments and second-rate soda. So when the perfect demographic of young, hot, woke people started fighting the system at UCSC, Pepsi saw their chance to establish a reputation of wokeness, and more importantly, to change the Google results when you typed in ‘cola’ ‘protest’ and ‘bad administration choices’. “The system, right? Yeah that’s gross. We’re not that. No sir,” said Pep-resentative Jendall Kenner between monstrous Pepsi burps, “Nah that ain’t us, we’re just vibing you know.” Pepsi’s deal includes sponsoring the strikers on the condition that Pepsi cans are visible at all times at the picket. “It’s really good that we have powerful allies like this standing up for our rights,” says grad student...

Big Tuesday???

I finally saved up enough money to go to Louisiana for the big Tuesday event this year! I am so excited to finally experience culture of my country like never before!! I almost forget to bring my own beads to this celebration festival, but I can’t find any! I know my wife will be mad that I took her stinky black beads from the no-no drawer, but I’ll be darned if I ain’t looking suave at the Super Tuesday celebration. As I board my flight, it seems like no one else is in the party mood? I try saying to a young looking guy “Hey, this Tuesday’s gonna be pretty P-H-A-T am I right?” and give him that cheeky wink I’ve been practicing in the mirror every night. For some reason the TV monitors in the terminal keep showing this rat-faced fellow and two old white men...

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