Here’s What Impeachment Really Means
There’s been a lot of talk about politics lately, and as someone who knows literally everything about the workings of both the...
Drake Voted Best Musical Artist By People in the Fetal Position
According to recently released musical rankings by the Billboard Top 100, Drake was the favorite musical artist of people curled in the...
Roommate’s New Dog Just Fat Raccoon
Emily’s new dog isn’t like other dogs—it’s a fat-ass raccoon. When the 20-year old literature major was prescribed an emotional support animal...
Cure for Cancer Hidden in Text of Eighteen-Foot-Long CVS Receipt
The suspiciously named Consumer Value Store, more commonly referred to as CVS or “ceeeeevis” if you’re too tired to formulate a whole...
SCPD Warns of Eggs in Halloween Candy
The Santa Cruz Police Department issued a warning to cut up all candy received from strangers this Halloween for fear of hidden...