Oh boy slap an amendment on your Christmas lists mothersluggers, cause we got the hottest gift of the Holiday season right here at Fish Rap. Introducing Slugopoly, the game which for copyright reasons is not Monopoly, but if don’t tell anyone, is exactly like Monopoly, and is the perfect game for your UCSC student, acceptee, TA, alumnus, drug dealer, professor, drug dealer/professor; anyone can play this bad boy, baby!
Oh yeah look at that board. We got Loop Buses, we got the bookstore, we got extra expensive parking, Spliff Cliff, Porter Squiggle, we got Cynthia Larive telling you this class is full you’ll have to go on the waitlist, we got Rachel Carson, we got Cowell, we even got Oakes! Oh yeah! Slugopoly is the perfect all-expenses-included action-packed star-studded board game perfect for anyone who goes to UC Santa Cruz. ONLY UC Santa Cruz. Do not play this game if you go to UC Davis. If you go to UC Davis and you buy this gorgeous board game, we will call the game police. Go play Scrabble or something cow dorks.
Play your friends, play your family, play your parole officer in the quest to win SLUGOPOLY! Buy up the properties, and fill them up with as many parking garages and dining halls as possible to beat your competitors and emerge victorious. Slugopoly only has parking garages and dining halls. You want houses? Go play regular Monopoly, because at UCSC there is no housing, only parking garages and dining halls. Speed around the board with your rockin’ Slugopoly tokens. Play as a hydroflask, a banana slug, a cannabis-flavored vape pen, a turkey, a 300-dollar textbook, a raccoon who is high, a student ID with a sticker that’s been there since 2016, a hungry coyote, and more! But don’t land on a Cruz Alert square, or you might end up drawing one of our cunning Cruz Alert Cards, with options such as:
Cruz Alert: Your RA opens your door to find your apartment thick with smoke. You maintain that this is from the SZU fires. This does not work. Go to Wait List.
Cruz Alert: Just because you were out of town during First Rain doesn’t mean the next rain is your First Rain. Go to Wait List.
Cruz Alert: Electricity during Fire Season? Not on PG and E’s watch. The company decides that you’ve grown a little too comfortable having lights. Say it with me: Who got the power? Not you. Wait List.
Cruz Alert: you ate three edibles but you made it to the exam on time. This is, however, a different exam from the one you should be taking, and you will not realize this until they wear off. Go to Wait List.
Cruz Alert: From the dining hall, you took with you a dessert and a fruit. The rules say a desert or a fruit. You are expelled. Go to Wait List.
Cruz Alert: Busted! The school caught you peacefully protesting for a livable wage. Tsk tsk. Go to Wait List. And Monopoly jail. And normal jail.
Moving on. Why is the school sending you money this time? Find out in Public Affairs! Has the school offered you another refund due to remote learning? A scholarship you forgot you got? Maybe the UC system feels bad that they gave a big old payout to a UCSD satire paper which will remain unnamed, and nothing to your friends at Fish Rap Live, who have been absolute angels through this whole thing. Either way, Slugopoly’s Public Affairs cards will have all the answers you need for your cash-based questions.
Don’t land on Transport and Parking Services Tax though. I mean, you had the audacity to park your car? On campus? And LEAVE IT THERE? They’re gonna need to see some big bucks, bucko. Speaking of money, monopoly money is BANNED in Slugopoly. We will come to your house and take the game away from you if you use Monopoly money. No, Slugopoly uses this fun new currency called Flexi Dollars. It’s like money, on a card, but not a credit card cause you can’t use it anywhere else, more like a gift card, but that you have to give yourself. Fun right? When I talk to college students, the one thing they complain about is that their money has too many uses. That’s why we took all that flexibility away from the money and transferred it all into the name. Flexi dollars! God that’s a sexy name.
To spice things up a little bit, have one player play as the UCSC Banker. Give out money to the other players as they roll, but don’t let them know how much you have in your budget. It’s a school secret shhhh. Like where they’re keeping Strong Slug. Or Oakes 2. Don’t tell anyone about Oakes 2, they’re not ready.
So get Slugopoly in your shopping cart, because supplies are limited like they’re spots in a CS Intro Class. Order Now!