New Three-State Solution Promising Lead in Middle East Peace


Israel and Palestine, they really are the Mark and Donny Wahlberg of the Middle East. Two very macho brothers that just can’t get along even though they’re incredibly similar-seeming to anybody not familiar with them. For over a hundred years the Jews, a hairy, Middle-Eastern, monotheistic, hummus loving people have been at odds with the Palestinians, a hairy, Middle-Eastern, monotheistic, hummus loving people. Top advisors from the United Nations, as well as Uri Geller, an expert on both Israel and magic have devised a genius new plan to partition the Middle East, ending hostilities once and for all.

The main problem in the past is that both sides want all of the land and since we cannot create some sort of parallel universe wormhole where the entire Middle-East is controlled by everyone, at least until Uri Geller improves his magic substantially, this is the next best option.

The current state of the region. Israel controls the stuff between the West Bank and Gaza Strip, as well as a bunch of settlements in the West Bank and the Golan Heights. Palestine controls the Gaza Strip and parts of the West Bank. (Bad solution)

The crack team of geopolitical wizards (and regular wizards) devised a new three-state solution (which they ensure me is one better than the two-state solution) that would divide the region into a long shaft-shaped Israeli state and two smaller, roughly circular Palestinian controlled zones to the south. The Israeli state would be bordered to the north by a semi-circular region jointly controlled by the Israeli, Palestinian and United Nations governments centered around Acre.

Much better solution to that boring Two-State stuff. With this new map nobody will be mad.

The lines to the north of the joint-zone indicate the retreat of Hezbollah fighters back into Lebanon and Israeli troops back into the southern area, indicating a resumption of peace in the region.

Many world leaders when asked about the new map responded with laughter, which we believe to be a good response as laughter often means deep approval and applause in other cultures. This new plan will also facilitate easier intra-regional trade with Jordan and the Mediterranean Sea as shown by the lines protruding from the Israeli section.

The plan has also received widespread acclaim from both Muslim, Jewish and Christian religious leaders who decided that for some unknown reason the shape of the map was incredibly pleasing to them and would be a suitable solution to this geopolitical quagmire.