After being trapped on a remote South Pacific island unknown to humanity except for all
of the people that used to live there until the United States decided it needed a new
nuclear test site, local coot Andrew Crittenden has reported a strange set of
hallucinations to doctors.
Crittenden was aboard a private jet full of television executives on their way to
Hollywood to pitch a hit six-season drama about people Lost on a desert island when
his plane was attacked by space lightning or perhaps sky goblins (reports differ) and
they crash-landed on a small island.
After months of traumatic life on the island including multiple failed attempts to build sex
robots and other totems of loneliness out of coconuts and bamboo rods and the on
radio that was their connection to the outside world was dashed against a rock upon
hearing Coast to Coast AM with George Noory, all hope was lost.
By week five hunger had set in and if Crittenden focused too hard on his doomed
compatriots they would be replaced with human-sized succulent legs of mutton. Sadly in
an unprecedented medical development Crittenden still sees all people as large human-sized legs of mutton despite being healthy, never having had an affinity for the food and
being back on the mainland for weeks now. In brighter news, it has cured his racism as
“you can’t hate certain groups of people when they all look like cooked lamb.”
