Things you can and can’t eat in your house (if it gets to that point)

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Can’t:

  • Mayonnaise: do not, under any circumstances consume the forbidden substance. It is forbidden. 
  • Those green things growing in betwixt concrete in your front “yard” no, they’re not “sprouts”
  • That nug that fell behind your dresser 3 months ago you forgot about: Please don’t smoke it either (unless you’re watching that Tiger King shit, then rip that sucker)
  • That homemade kombucha your roommate has been brewing: It has been neglected and gained sentience. Do not release it. 

Can:

  • The stuffing of the many couch cushions on your couch
  • Whatever’s left in that tupperware you forgot to bring to the kitchen from your room from high school
  • Those little jewish coins you’ve left sitting on your dresser since circa Hanukkah 2013: Much like the economy, they’ve gone down in value, but hey, eat the rich!
  • Horseradish: Believe it or not, this has been deemed edible by the FDA