Poll Finds Only 0.2% of Take Back Santa Cruz Supporters Give, Receive Oral Sex

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Following a landmark joint Quinnipiac/Monmouth poll,t researchers have found that only a miniscule, statistically insignificant fraction of local Take Back Santa Cruz supporters reported engaging in oral sex in the past six months. The local group, which operates from a private Facebook group and advocates for more policing and harsh, punitive treatment for the homeless, was also found to have an average of 2.6 hernias.

“We expected a fair amount of pent-up frustration based on their behavior and penchant for spying and reporting on people, but the sheer level of blue ballery on display here is remarkable,” said Limunoo Tesquiggibo, pollster. “One lady wrote that her vagina had physically closed after years of neglect, and she used the word “sin-pit” to describe it. It was a multiple choice form!”

Following the release of these results, progressive councilman Drew Glover, who is the subject of a recall campaign supported by the group that has been marred by misinformation and lies, led a large protest against the group. 

In response, Take Back Santa Cruz members accused him of paying people to protest using the millions he accrued in his lucrative position as director of a local nonprofit, and counter protestors from the group arrived in a torrent of sexual frustration and repressed feelings. Not wishing to spend all day near a bunch of pent-up whackjobs, Glover’s crack team of unpaid interns led the protestors away, fleeing into the redwoods to corner the coca harvesting and processing trade as an armed Marxist militia. 

At press time, sources report joining the guerilla group counts as a 2-credit interdisciplinary internship offered through the Plant Sciences and Community Studies departments at UCSC.

t Quinnipiac and Monmouth, two universities alike in dignity but which had for ages existed as enemies, were united by the joint poll undertaken in Santa Cruz, and on Tuesday presidents Judy D. Olian and Patrick F. Leahy of the schools became the first pair of Quinnipiac-Monmouth presidents to copulate openly, in full sight of the student body, on the Monmouth campus quad. Sources report a 21-gun salute accompanied their simultaneous orgasm, which they lovingly cleaned off of one another using an American flag.