Walt Disney’s Frozen 2, the aptly-named sequel to Walt Disney’s Frozen 1, was announced in early 2019, to great excitement and mirth among the general public. The film is expected to answer many questions, such as ‘Why does Elsa have powers?’ ‘Why does the other one not?’ and ‘Why is it not called Fro2en?’. But, as the much-anticipated premiere on November 22nd fast-approaches, I have only one question: Now that Olaf the Snowman will be omnipresent and unavoidable, how in the hell am I supposed to complete No Nut November?
No Nut November is a sacred tradition, and has been since its founding in 1908 by Thaddwick Chadwick, creator of ‘Nut-Free’ tables in cafeterias and one-time presidential candidate of the Know-Nutting Party. Like my father before me and his father before him, I have observed No Nut November religiously, and have not failed once. I made it through Wrestlemania, I made it through Crop Tops, I even made it through the Kim Kardashian Breaks the Internet Epoch, but no challenge can compare the the one we must face this November: Olaf and his Carrot Nose.
Let me explain. Olaf is a force of nature. A sex symbol if that sex symbol was the radioactive waste sign. Olaf is simply too sexy. That carrot nose follows you like Mona Lisa’s eyes. I see him in my dreams. He whispers terrifying truths to me, like ‘No Nut November is just Lent’. I try to scream that it’s not true, but I am silenced by fear. I wake in a cold sweat. That juicy little monster is pure evil. Sexy, sexy evil.
We must come together, brothers. United, we are greater than the sum of our parts; we can become powerful enough to resist him. We can stop Olaf. Boycott Frozen 2.